Petticoat Warriors
by Ness Ayton
Summary: When Apollo and Starbuck crash land on the planet Arcadia they find it to be populated only by ...... well, that would be telling. Will our heroes escape? This is original Galactica for those of you who remember stock viper footage.


**Petticoat Warriors by Ness Ayton**

Starbuck shook his head in an attempt to clear it and stared again. The crash must have been worse than I thought, he mused to himself. At his feet Apollo gave a groan.

"Oh my poor head!"

"Oh hi, Apollo. Will you take a look at this and tell me if I'm dreaming or not."

A groggy Apollo staggered to his feet and then stared as well.

"Some welcoming committee," he observed at last.

"Well, I always knew I was a big draw," Starbuck commented at last, "but these people won't even have heard of me!"

"You do surprise me," Apollo teased gently. "I thought the whole universe had heard of Starbuck." They fell silent and looked out of the shuttle at the group of women standing amongst the trees at the edge of the clearing where the Galactican pilots had crash landed.

"Well I suppose we'd better ask them for help," Apollo said at last.

"They won't be able to resist helping me," Starbuck boasted. Apollo ignored the comment.

"Just don't get too carried away," he warned his friend, "and remember they mustn't know about the fleet."

"Right captain, " Starbuck grinned.

As the door of the shuttle opened the women moved forward, displaying side-arms for the first time. Starbuck stepped jauntily out and down the steps.

"Hi ladies, this is a pleasant surprise for two weary travellers. Your beauty surpasses anything we've ever seen. Isn't that so, Apollo? Now if you'd just be kind girls and take us to whoever is in charge here we'll……"

"Silence!" The voice shot at him like a laser bolt.

"Wha'd I say?" Starbuck blustered as two of the women spread-eagled him against the shuttle. Apollo shrugged as he was manhandled into a similar position. Their firearms were quickly confiscated and they were spun back into the middle of a circle of silent women.

"Look here, ladies, I'm sure this is all a terrible misunderstanding……..," Starbuck started in his most winning fashion.

"You will be quiet," a voice told him.

"Yes, but……" He got no further as a gun butt cracked down on his skull and he crumpled to the ground. The woman who had hit him moved to face Apollo.

"Are you going to comply with our orders?" she demanded. With a gulp Apollo nodded.

"Come," she said, gesturing for him to follow her before ordering, "Bring him."

Another of the women stepped forward and swung the comatose form of Starbuck over her shoulder as if he weighed no more than Boxey. The small band moved off through the trees; Apollo's mind working over time trying to figure a way out of their predicament.

The two men were taken to a large hall filled with women. As he was led through the crowds Apollo looked around him, struck by the noticeable absence of men. All the women in the hall were dressed in dark blue uniforms. Apollo thought that the tailored jacket and skirt looked very impractical but, at the same time, he had to admit the efficiency of the group who had caught Starbuck and himself.

He followed the group's leader up the hall, surprised and worried by the hostile glances he was being given. They stopped in front of a dais and Starbuck was dumped unceremoniously on the floor beside it. He groaned but made no other sound. Apollo bent to make sure that his friend was all right but was distracted by the entrance of a tall and strikingly beautiful young lady. She strode purposefully across the dais and stopped in front of the young captain, eyeing him with great distaste. Apollo found himself looking into a pair of the deepest blue eyes he had ever seen; but when she spoke the tone of her voice sent icy shivers down his spine.

"What have we here, sergeant?"

The woman at Apollo's side saluted smartly.

"Men, ma'am. We found them in the woods. Their ship had crashed. This one would not comply with our orders." She kicked Starbuck in the back as she finished her report. Apollo took a step forward and found his way barred.

"Do you want to join him?" the woman demanded.

"No ma'am," he replied.

"Then stay where you are."

The girl on the dais spoke again.

"Do you know where you are?"

Apollo shook his head.

"Pardon?" she snapped.

"No ma'am," he replied again.

"That's better. Well I'll tell you where you are. This is Arcadia."

"I've never heard of it," Apollo ventured to comment. The girl glared at him but continued.

"In that case I'll tell you about this glorious planet of ours. There are no men on Arcadia. We have no use for them and they only cause trouble so we have banished them. You have violated our ban and must pay for it."

"I plead ignorance," Apollo stated clearly, at the same time wondering how the population kept going without men. He wished Starbuck could have heard all this – he would have had something to say on the subject – but on the other hand perhaps it was better that he had not, his comments might have made matters worse, if that was possible. He suddenly became aware that the blue eyed girl was speaking again.

"Ignorance is no excuse," she told him severely. "Yet another example of men's weakness," she informed the hall with a smile. The others laughed whilst Apollo found himself bewitched by the lady in front of him and had to struggle to remind himself that she was an enemy.

"Take them away," she snapped suddenly and Apollo found himself shepherded through a door at the side of the dais. He was led down a dark passage to a gloomy little room at the end. Apollo's guard pushed him in and Starbuck was thrown onto the floor at his side. The captain looked round their cramped cell until a movement from the lieutenant drew his attention. He squatted at his friend's side.

"You all right?" he asked as Starbuck struggled to sit up. The lieutenant glared at him.

"No…..what hit me?" He rubbed the back of his neck as Apollo grinned at him.

"One of your lovely ladies."

"Oh. Do you know where we are?"

"Arcadia."

"Where's that?"

"Not sure but it's populated by men-hating women."

Starbuck stared at him

"You're kidding me surely!?"

"Wish I was."

"No wonder my small talk didn't go down too well."

"It's hardly surprising," Apollo agreed.

"Well captain, any suggestions for getting us out of here?"

"I'm not sure. We could return their hospitality."

"What?! Hit them over the head? Apollo, they're women! We can't go round hitting women over the head!"

"You got any ideas?"

"Well……no. Right, so we get out of here, what then? We're going to be rather obvious out there, you know."

Apollo gave him a curious sideways glance.

"Oh no, Apollo. You can't mean……. You do! You suggest that we dress in their uniforms don't you."

Apollo nodded.

"You'd make a lovely blond, Starbuck."

"You've had some awful ideas in the past but this is definitely the worst."

"Have you a better idea?"

"No, I must admit, I haven't. Well, I'll do it but I don't like it."

"No one asked you to like it. We've just got to get out of here and back to the Galactica somehow."

"Aye, captain," Starbuck agreed unhappily.

They sat on the floor of their cell for some centons, trying to think of an alternative plan but failing dismally. At last they heard the door rattle and leapt to their feet. Apollo gave Starbuck a quick nod as their guard entered. She looked at them both and gave a nervous smile.

"You must be hungry," she ventured. "I've brought you something to eat."

"That's very kind of you," Apollo said, holding his hand out to her. She took a step forward and Starbuck started to sidle round behind her.

"Tell me why Arcadia hates men," Apollo coaxed. He was rewarded with a suspicious glare, but she took another step towards him.

"Well," she started but got no further as Starbuck brought the side of his hand down on her neck. She crumpled backwards into his arms and he gently lowered her to the floor. Apollo took her side-arm and then both men stood and looked at her for a centon. Then they looked at each other.

"No I'm not taking her uniform," Starbuck said firmly.

"No I can't either," Apollo agreed. "We'll just have to hope we find something somewhere." Starbuck nodded and disappeared thankfully out of the door followed by a thoughtful Apollo.

Silently the two men made their way back along the dark passage. They had reached the half-way point when the sound of footsteps came to them. Apollo's hand had just rested on a doorknob so he grabbed Starbuck by the scruff of the neck and hauled him back into a small room. A squad of women marched swiftly past. As their footsteps died away Starbuck looked round the edge of the door and beckoned to Apollo.

"Come on, captain, the coast's clear, though personally I wouldn't be seen dead like that. And how come you got the uniform in there anyway?"

"Because it happened to be my size, sweetie." Apollo emerged looking neat and trim in a dark blue uniform. Starbuck looked him up and down.

"You're not quite the right shape you know."

"Never said I was. Let's just hope no one looks too closely. Now come on, we're prisoner and escort remember until we find you some clothes."

"I think I'll stay like this if you don't mind."

"Well, let's stop arguing and find a way out of here," Apollo suggested and trotted smartly off down the passage.

They emerged from the door at the end of the passage into the bright sunlight of a small alley, which luckily was empty. Cautiously they moved along the dusty way between two rows of buildings until they came to a large market square where women in bright and extravagant clothes were buying and selling.

"We can't go through there," Starbuck whispered.

"Course you can't, dearie. Not like that; they'd lynch you," came a cracked voice at his elbow. He looked down at an old crone who had moved, un-noticed, to their side. She cracked her knuckles, gave him a toothless grin and then continued, "I can give you some clothes. Come with me."

Apollo shrugged.

"We don't have much choice, do we?" he said so they followed her into a dirty rundown house. She rummaged in a large mildewy box and threw some pieces of clothing at Starbuck.

"Here you go, dearie, get into them."

"I'm not wearing those!" Starbuck protested vehemently.

"Get dressed, lieutenant," Apollo commanded. With a sigh Starbuck complied, complaining all the time.

"Why are you doing this for us?" Apollo asked the old woman. She winked at him lasciviously.

"I remember men," she told him with a dirty laugh.

"Ready," Starbuck growled. Apollo turned to look at him and convulsed in hoots of laughter.

"You do look pretty," he choked out at last. Starbuck glowered at him.

"Put the feathers in your hair, dearie," the old woman croaked and helped him fix the feathered tiara on. She straightened the pink feather tail and mad sure it was firmly attached to the sequinned leotard. Starbuck smoothed out the wrinkles in his fishnet tights and then put on the high heeled shoes.

"How do you walk in these?" he gasped.

"With difficulty, dearie, with difficulty. Now go and make sure you get away won't you."

"We'll do our best," Apollo promised through his giggles and gallantly kissed the old woman's hand.

"Oh go on with you," she squawked, hitting him on the back and nearly knocking him over.

Starbuck and Apollo left the building and found themselves mingling with the crowds – the greatest risk seeming to be a twisted ankle for Starbuck!

* * *

Athena set the shuttle down carefully in the clearing, next to the one that Apollo had crashed.

"Father will be cross," she observed to Sheba. "That's the third shuttle we've lost in as many sectars."

"I'm surprised that those two crashed a shuttle," Sheba observed.

"It can happen even to the best," Athena told her; then she spoke to the two Vipers hovering above the planet. "Boomer, Bojay inform the Galactica that we've found the crashed shuttle and then stay up there. We'll call if we need you."

"Right you are there, Athena. Take care," Boomer acknowledged her call.

Sheba turned to her companion.

"Athena, look out there."

"What is it?" Athena asked, killing the shuttle engines.

"Just look."

Athena joined Sheba at the window and watched the group of women advancing threateningly on the shuttle.

"You armed Sheba?"

"Yes, but we're not going out there are we/"

"Nowhere else to go."

The two girls cautiously left the shuttle to be greeted by a sigh of relief from the women.

"We thought you were more men like those who came in that other ship," their leader explained. "Are you looking for them?"

"Yes we are," Sheba started eagerly. "We were terribly afraid that……."

"They'd escaped us fro good," Athena interrupted quickly, sensing the mood of the group in front of them.

"They're your prisoners?" asked the girl.

"Yes that's right," Athena agreed. Sheba stared at her, open mouthed.

"What did they do?" the girl wanted to know.

"Criminal acts," Athena responded vaguely.

"Yes dreadful," Sheba added, getting into the spirit of things at last. "They……they……oh dreadful things," she finished lamely.

"Come the Commander will be interested to meet you and hear about these two men. They are scheduled to be terminated."

"Killed?" gasped Sheba.

"Most certainly," the girl replied. "We have no men on Arcadia. Any that are found are killed. That's the way to deal with men."

Athena and Sheba exchanged worried glances as they were led from the clearing. Obviously they were safe but what about Starbuck and Apollo? They were led through the woods and to the hall that the two men had been brought to earlier. They were not admitted immediately; their claim on the two men was being discussed, they were told. As they stood waiting they looked round them struck, like Apollo before, by the absence of men.

From across the square Starbuck spotted the two girls and gave Apollo a poke in the ribs.

"Athena and Sheba are over there."

"Are you sure?" Apollo squinted myopically to where Starbuck pointed.

"Of course I'm sure. We've got to let them know we're all right."

"Well it had better be you that goes. I might get caught up with some of those uniformed ladies and not be able to get away."

Starbuck teetered across the square, feeling very conspicuous. He had almost reached the hall when he realised that Athena and Sheba were on their own. Immediately he quickened his pace as best he could until he was standing right next to them. The girls ignored him completely.

"Athena it's me," he whispered.

Athena turned and stared.

"Starbuck?" she gasped in disbelief.

"Yes it _is_ me."

"What are you doing in those clothes?"

"Escaping!"

"Is Apollo with you?"

"Yes, he's over the other side of the square."

"I'm glad you're both safe. Now listen, make your way to the clearing where you crash landed. I put our shuttle down there. We'll join you when we can."

"Right see you later, girls." He tottered back across to Apollo and reported what Athena had told him. Immediately they headed towards the outskirts of the settlement. They had not gone far when a shout went up behind them.

"The men have escaped!"

"They'll be looking for us," Apollo observed.

"You think? I can't go fast in these things," Starbuck snapped, stopping to take his shoes off. Apollo took the opportunity to take his tight fitting footwear off as well and then they started off through the woods.

When the shout went up Athena and Sheba grabbed the first uniformed girl that ran past and demanded to know what was happening.

"The two men we caught have escaped. Isn't it exciting? A real manhunt!" Her eyes gleamed with ferocity.

"Where are they likely to have gone?" Athena asked casually.

"Probably headed for their ship, men are so predictable. Knowing where they've gone will take some of the fun out of the hunt, still never mind. You coming?"

"Please," Athena answered, dragging Sheba along in her wake as she set of after the girls.

Apollo and Starbuck had almost reached the clearing when they heard the sounds of the pursuit.

"They're getting closer," Apollo gasped unnecessarily.

"Better go a bit……youch!" Starbuck collapsed in a heap on the ground.

"What's wrong?" Apollo asked as he stopped and turned. For answer Starbuck held his foot up; there was a large thorn stuck in the sole. Apollo dropped to his knees and carefully drew the thorn out. Starbuck grimaced with pain but managed not to cry out. The noise of Apollo tearing a strip of material from his underskirt, with which to staunch the blood, seemed to each through the trees. Once Starbuck's foot had been bound Apollo helped him up. Then, with the captain's support, the lieutenant managed to hobble painfully along.

The shuttle was in view when a shout brought the two Galacticans to a halt. Slowly they turned to face their pursuers. As the women stepped towards them Apollo and Starbuck took a couple of faltering steps backwards and found themselves free of the trees..

"That wasn't much of a hunt. You could have given us a better run," one of the girls commented.

"Sorry, we'll try harder next time," Apollo muttered.

"The clothes don't really suit you, you know," another of them laughed.

"They got us this far," Starbuck snapped at her.

During the altercation Athena and Sheba moved quietly to the front of the group, drawing their handguns as they went. Suddenly they stepped out in front of Apollo and Starbuck.

"All right, ladies, that's far enough. Thank you for finding our men for us but we'll take care of them now as we really don't want them shot to pieces. We value our men more highly than that. You really must try to see men in a better light. Believe me it can be very rewarding. Apollo, Starbuck hotfoot it to the shuttle." Athena was clearly enjoying her moment of power.

"Hotfoot it she says," Starbuck muttered crossly. Sheba slipped a shoulder under the lieutenant's free arm and helped Apollo steer him to the shuttle. Athena kept her gun trained on the group of angry women and slowly backed away from them,

The shuttle was reached at last and Apollo dragged Starbuck in as Sheba ran forward to fire up the engines. Athena leapt in behind them and, after securing the door, ran to the cockpit.

"Boomer, Bojay we've got them. Shuttle lifting off. Return to Galactica." Sheba yelled the news excitedly making Athena cover her ears in protest. With a lurch the shuttle took off leaving the angry and frustrated women staring into the sky.

Now that they were safe Apollo attended to Starbuck's foot a little more carefully and made him comfortable. Then he went forward to join the girls. As he entered the cockpit they turned to look at him and collapsed in laughter.

"What do you look like?" Sheba chortled.

"Well it got us out of a very tricky situation," Apollo pointed out somewhat impatiently.

"I'm sure it did," Athena gurgled, trying to soothe him. Apollo walked out in a huff leaving the two girls to giggle all the way back to the Galactica.

"Pity we had to leave our uniforms behind," Starbuck observed as Apollo sat down beside him with an exasperated grunt.

"I couldn't agree more. We're going to have a hard time when we get back you know."

Starbuck nodded thoughtfully and the two sat in silence for the rest of the journey.

* * *

The Vipers landed microns before the shuttle and Boomer and Bojay leapt out. They raced across the landing bay to wait for Apollo and Starbuck. Athena and Sheba emerged from the shuttle just as Adama and Cassiopeia arrived on the scene. Sheba leant weakly against the shuttle's hull in hysterics, much to Adama's consternation.

"Prepare yourself for a bit of a shock," Athena managed to gasp before sinking down onto the shuttle steps and burying her face in her hands. A very sheepish Apollo and Starbuck emerged from the shuttle.

"My word don't you both look lovely," Boomer quipped as Bojay stood open-mouthed. Cassiopeia moved forward.

"Pink's not quite your colour, lieutenant," she murmured quietly before dissolving into laughter and joining Athena on the shuttle steps. The two leant against each other, united for once as they shared in the laughter of the landing bay.

"Come on, lieutenant, let's go and change into our uniforms," Apollo said with as much dignity as he could muster. Starbuck nodded in agreement and, kicking his pink feathered tail out of the way, limped after his friend. As they drew level with Adama Apollo turned to look at his father.

"Why son?" Adama wanted to know.

"It's a long story," the young captain sighed.


End file.
